My Father's Unconditional Love

by Sandie
lovespromise@hotmail.com

Preface

To all who take the time to read these pages, I wish to make you aware of my reason for sharing my testimony. This is my way of obeying God and of showing my love for others. He has commanded in His Word, Mark 16:15 "And He said unto them, go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature." I do this by sharing God's message which He gave to the world when He gave the Bible, and by telling others of how the Lord has blessed me throughout my life. Psalms 66:16: "Come and hear, all ye that fear God, and I will declare what He hath done for my soul."

There is coming to this world, and soon, a time when all those who have given their lives to the Lord will be taken from this earth by Jesus Christ in the Rapture of the Church. 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17 tells us "For the Lord, Himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord."

Those who remain after the rapture will find themselves facing a time of great trial and tribulation. I wish for no one to be left behind because they did not understand the true gospel as given in the Word of God. The Lord has made a way for each of us to be ready for His return, but many have been deceived in their efforts of searching for that way ... deceived into searching the words of man rather than the words of God.

It is my prayer that my testimony will encourage each reader to earnestly study the Bible to confirm the truth that is written within its pages. Eternity is much too long to risk it on the words and beliefs taught us by someone else, not my words, nor those of the Mormon Church. Only the words of God Himself can be depended upon.

If we do not decide for God, we are choosing against Him. We must each make a choice . The Lord said in His Word (Joshua 24:15) "Choose you this day whom ye will serve." John 3:18 teaches "He that believeth on Him is not condemned: but he that believeth not, is condemned already." We cannot have it both ways. It is not my desire to offend anyone. I do, however, thank God for those who cared enough to take the risk of possibly offending me, still choosing to share these truths, before I ended my own life through suicide, a course of action I had planned in detail.

God's plan of salvation is not a difficult one to become a part of. He will not keep it from anyone who truly desires from their heart, the truth; and will take the time to ask for this knowledge. We must be certain whose voice we hear. John 10:4 states "And the sheep follow Him for they know His voice." John 10:27 "My sheep hear My voice and I know them and they follow Me." The way to know His voice is to study His Word and to make certain that what we hear is in full agreement with what God has already told us throughout the rest of the Bible. Remember, God will not force anything on us... Not even His blessings.

Come now, and let us reason together,

saith the LORD ( Isaiah 1:18)

Philippians 4:19 reads..."My God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." It was through this scripture that I began to see God’s unconditional love for me. Unconditional, because if He'd based His love for me on conditions such as, if I was good enough, if I had worked hard enough to earn His love, or even who I was as a person, He could never have loved me.

Was I good enough to earn God's love? Romans 3:23 tells us, "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." I was not only a sinner, I worshipped someone else, a man, an exalted man, the God of Mormonism. In Mormonism it's taught, "As man is, God once was and as God is, man may become" (Prophet Lorenzo Snow.. Gospel of the Ages, pg. 105-106); just as all Mormon men may become Gods.

Had I worked hard enough to earn God's love? No, for I had not become perfect and that was required of me. I had gone through the required ceremonies, was baptized, paid my tithing, and attended church services regularly, but still I'd failed. Ephesians 2:8 tells us, "Because of His kindness you have been saved through trusting Christ, and even that is not of yourselves; it too, is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good we have done so none of us can take any credit for it."

Was it who I was that would make God love me? No, for I wasn't even sure who I was myself. Praise God, it isn't who I am, but is dependent on who Jesus Christ is. 2 Corinthians 2:15 tells us, "For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are saved and those who are perishing." God sees all who put their trust in Him, through the sacrifice of His Son, Jesus Christ.

I was born in Salt Lake City, Utah, the youngest of four children. My parents were young and had many problems of their own which led to their divorce. I had spent most of the first few years of my life in the home of two very special people whom I had grown to love very much. My natural mother married for the third time when I was four years of age. I returned to live with her at that time and our family began traveling across the country. After a year and a half, my mother and step-father left us without any warning or explanation, so my brother, my sisters, and I were returned to Utah. My older sister went to live with my grandmother, my other sister and brother went to live with our father and I was returned to the special home in which I had previously lived. I became their foster child for many years to come. I loved them both so very much. They supplied all of my needs, they gave me their love, they taught me excellent values, and they saw to it that I attended church regularly.

The church I attended was the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the Mormon Church. Looking back, I can see how much the Lord loved me because these special parents were one of the greatest blessings ever given to me by God.

I couldn't have been given more love in this home but still, I felt very rejected by my natural parents. Plus, being separated from my brother and sisters made me feel inferior to those around me. I was determined to earn acceptance, not only from God but from everyone I knew. This religion became very important to me because it taught me that I could attain anything I chose to in life if I would only work hard enough. I was determined to succeed.

As I grew up in the Mormon Church I was given a package of ideas that I was told made up Christianity and this package was totally unacceptable to me. It never occurred to me that it might be inaccurate. So very young in life I learned to accept two opposite teachings, both as correct.

First, Mormonism taught me that all Christian churches were an abomination in the sight of God and all their members were corrupt. Pearl of Great Price, Joseph Smith History 1:19 reads, "And the Personage who addressed me said that all their creeds were an abomination in his sight; that those professors were all corrupt;". Orson Pratt in The Seer, pg. 225 said, "All other churches are entirely destitute of all authority from God and any person who receives baptism or the Lord's supper from their hands will highly offend God, for He looks upon them as the most corrupt of all people!"

Second, I was taught that Christians were okay. They just had part of the truth, while Mormons had all of the truth available to the world at any given time, along with new revelations they would receive and then add to Mormon Doctrine in the future.

Additionally, I was also taught that Mormon's were Christians. Yet the church also told me that Brigham Young, in the Journal of Discourses v 5 pg. 73, had said, "All Christians are groveling in darkness." He also stated in the Journal of Discourses v 6 pg. 176, "The Christian's God is the Mormon's Devil." John Taylor, 3rd President of the Church, stated in the Journal of Discourses v 6 pg. 176 that "The Christian's God was hatched in hell!"

Each of these statements contradicted the others. This pattern was now being formed; accepting all I was taught as truth and also without question.

I was baptized when I was eight years old which is standard procedure for all children brought up in the Mormon church. The Doctrine and Covenants 68:27, teaches, "And their children shall be baptized for the remission of sins when eight years old and receive the laying on of hands." The waters of baptism would wash away my sins and my name would be written in the Lamb's Book of Life (The Mormon records). I didn't know that the waters of baptism could not wash away our sins. The Bible teaches that it's only through the blood of Jesus Christ that we can receive forgiveness. Baptism is to occur after salvation to provide an outward expression of what has already taken place inside the heart. (Ephesians 2:8-9) Baptism is a Christian's way of acknowledging that he has accepted the sacrifice that Jesus made for him on Calvary.

As a child, I was taught the Bible stories most children are taught. In addition, I was taught that Jesus was my brother and Lucifer was also my brother. I was instructed in many Book of Mormon stories, and I was told about a young boy named Joseph Smith who, when he was fourteen years old, went into the woods to pray. He wanted to know which church he should join because there were so many. He told how he was surrounded by the powers of darkness, then a light appeared above him. In that light stood two men. One turned to the other and said, "This is my beloved son, hear ye him." They told Joseph not to join any of the churches because they were all wrong. They informed Joseph that the gospel had been taken away from the world shortly after Christ's death and it would now be his responsibility to restore it to the earth. I didn't know that God's Word, the Bible, told just the opposite of this. Matthew. 16:1 8 tells us, "Upon this rock I will build my church and even the gates of hell shall not prevail against it." Matthew. 24:35 reads, "Heaven and earth shall pass away but my words shall not pass away." Hebrews 13:5 says, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."

Joseph was told that in order for him to begin this "restored" church, an angel would appear and show him where to find some golden plates that were buried in a hill in New York. These plates were to contain the history of the inhabitants of the Americas until about 420 AD. They were written in reformed Egyptian hieroglyphics. Joseph was to translate them into what was to become the Book of Mormon and would be the basis for the Mormon church. However, I was later to discover that actual Mormon doctrine is not found in the Book of Mormon but is instead taken from the many other writings of the church such as the Doctrine and Covenants, the Pearl of Great Price, the Journal of Discourses, the History of the Church, and others

Joseph was to have restored the church that was on the earth at the time of Jesus Christ's life but careful observation shows very few similarities between the Mormon Doctrines and the Old Testament Church. Joseph Smith said, "I told the brethren that the Book of Mormon was the most correct of any book on earth, and the keystone of our religion, and man could get closer to God by abiding its precepts than by any other book" (History of the Church V4).

Because of these and other teachings, I believed that Mormonism was the only right way. I had studied from the Bible occasionally but had been told that it was unreliable because it was incorrectly translated, therefore, I should study from God's most perfect book, the Book of Mormon. Later I would find there have been more than 3900 changes in the Book of Mormon since it was first published less that 200 hundred years ago. Many of the changes completely change the original meaning given. For example, the 1830 edition of the Book of Mormon tells that Jesus was born in the city of Jerusalem not Bethlehem. Of course, it was later changed to Bethlehem. In the 1830 edition, page 200, "King Benjamin had a gift from God" whereas in the modern version, page 176 v 28, this verse has been changed to read, "King Mosiah had a gift from God." Were King Benjamin and King Mosiah the same man? In the 1830 edition pg. 25 "Behold the virgin which thou seest is the mother of god" but in the modem version I Nephi 11:18 reads... "Behold the virgin whom thou seest is the mother of the son of god." These each change the original meaning completely in light of the other teachings of the Mormon Church.

As I grew older, I spent many hours in study hoping to find some way of filling the empty void I had in my life. I was a good student in school, always trying to be accepted by striving for the best grades possible. I could not risk bringing on anyone's disapproval.

As a Mormon I was taught that I was once an intelligence in heaven. I was then born to my Heavenly Mother and my Heavenly Father becoming their spirit child. Since each spirit child would need to gain a physical body, there was a meeting held in heaven to decide how this was to be accomplished. Jesus was there, as was Lucifer, along with many others. Lucifer gave his plan first, saying he would force everyone to do right and eventually become gods so our Heavenly Father would not lose any of His children. Then Jesus gave his plan, a plan of allowing each to have his own free agency to choose which path he would follow for his life, thus allowing each to love the Father in sincerity instead of by force. Jesus' plan was the plan chosen and Lucifer's plan was discarded. Lucifer became angry and convinced one-third of the spirit children to take his side and rebel. They were cast from heaven causing Lucifer to became Satan and his followers to become the demons. They would never be allowed to gain physical bodies because of their rebellion. It was taught, "At the time the devil was cast out of heaven, there were some spirits that did not know who had authority, whether God or the devil. They consequently did not take a very active part on either side but rather thought the devil had been abused and considered he had rather the best claim to the government. These spirits were not considered bad enough to be cast down to hell and never have bodies, neither were they considered worthy of an honorable body on this earth." (Elder Orson Hyde before the high priest's quorum in Nauvoo, Illinois, on April 27,1845) They were cursed with black skin and came to this earth as the Negro race under the lineage of Cain.

I was told that it was the purpose of every Mormon woman to provide as many physical bodies for these spirit children as was possible. Brigham Young taught, "I have told you many times there are multitudes of pure and holy spirits waiting to take tabernacles (bodies). Now what is your duty? To prepare tabernacles for them; to take a course that will not tend to drive those spirits into the families of the wicked, where they will be trained in wickedness, debauchery, and every species of crime" (Journal of Discourses 4:56). Consequently, I believed that all those who were not Mormons were not just wrong but also were wicked, unlawful people who raised their children accordingly in sinfulness.

To accomplish my purpose, I was to marry a Mormon and begin my family. I was as impatient as most teenagers are, plus I was desperately trying to find a place where I could feel that I truly belonged. I would make a family to belong in. So at fifteen I decided to marry and shortly after my sixteenth birthday I left home and was married.

We were just kids trying to play marriage, trying to follow the rules, trying to become gods. We were so young that we decided we could put off being married for time and all eternity until a later date so were just married by the Bishop for time, until death do us part. We had our entire lives ahead of us anyway, didn't we?

I had such big dreams, none of which seemed to materialize. Within just a few short days I knew that I had made a mistake that would be with me for a lifetime. The fighting and arguing began and remained a regular activity. It was at this time that I began my preview of heaven for a Mormon woman, that is, ETERNAL PREGNANCY. During the next ten years, I had nine children and seven miscarriages. Most of them were very difficult pregnancies. I was extremely tired. I tried to keep up with my church attendance as best as I could and still care for my children. Housework was intensely difficult with morning sickness a daily occurrence. Laundry piled up more quickly than I had ever imagined it could, yet I had no way of washing it except by hand. I could not afford to use a Laundromat. My husband and I were constantly fighting over the uncompleted housework that never seemed to end and also over the fact that there was never a paycheck coming in, with which to pay the bills and purchase cleaning supplies. The reason being, he was always unemployed. I was so naive, it had never occurred to me that a man would not go to work everyday and care for the needs of his family as my foster father had always done. Being raised most of the time as an only child did not prepare me for the constant crying and fighting children do among themselves. This, too, was an adjustment I would find very difficult to make throughout the years to come.

Since paying the rent required money and it was in very short supply most of the time, we found moving to also be a regular activity. During the next ten years I would have over one hundred addresses which I would call home...... temporarily! It seemed like I was always packing and unpacking our belongings. There was always a reason that made each move necessary.

My first pregnancy was a difficult one which required my hospitalization for the major part of the last six months. I was blessed with a son who soon became the very center of my life. To my surprise, he seemed to cry 23 hours of each and every day. Colic and intolerance to many formulas were the cause. I thought I must have been doing something wrong but wasn't sure what it could be. I loved him so very much, more than I ever thought could be possible. This made me wonder, if mothers loved their children this much, how could mine have walked out of my life without even a word of explanation or good-bye? I found it necessary to grow up very quickly, leaving my childhood and its dreams behind.

Our second child followed almost immediately. Just ten months later, a little girl was born, and as important to me as life itself. Now I had a son and a daughter. Had I not been so very tired all of the time my world would have been a dream come true. But I also knew it was my responsibility to bring more babies into the world. The choice was not mine to make. This decision was a direct order from God!

When my third child was born ... nine months and three days later, also a little girl, she was premature and had problems with both her heart and lungs. I stood by the nursery window for hours each day watching her tiny body in an incubator and my heart seemed to break more and more as each day passed. I ached inside to hold her and let her know how very much she was loved. I loved all three of my children as much as anyone possibly could. I was not allowed to even touch her for several weeks. When she was four and a half weeks old, I was told she would soon be well enough to come home. She was so very tiny, just under five pounds which made her care more complicated and time consuming. But she was so precious to me. I remember going to the toy department to but her a fancy doll dress to bring her home from the hospital in.

The next few months proved to be busy ones. My oldest had just learned to walk, my second child had just learned to crawl, and now a new baby joined the group along with morning sickness for my next little one.

When my fourth child was born, later that same year, a little girl of only 4 lbs., it was necessary for the two of us to return home when she was just six hours old so I could continue caring for the other three. I had no one to help out. The responsibility was mine, alone. I didn't realize it was possible to be so weary and weak but I knew that my babies needed me so I forced myself to keep going. It was three days before I found an opportunity to go to bed for a few hours. I took the best care of them that I possibly could but my housework suffered greatly because taking care of the babies took all of my energy and all of my time. There was none left for housework. My husband said I was just lazy. Within a few short weeks this little one became ill and was returned to the hospital and placed in an incubator to enable her tiny lungs to breathe. She had lost weight and now weighed only 3 lbs. I was so frightened that I would lose her. Never-the-less she soon recovered and when she reached four and a half lbs. I brought her home once more.

At age fifteen I weighed a mere 93 lbs. but now, less than four years later, I had tripled my size and was still gaining. My husband had a lot of difficulty dealing with my weight problem. I was only nineteen years old and had four children ages two and a half and under. Our marriage had been full of problems both financial and emotional. We had separated many times only to be reunited, determined to try again. We had considered a divorce but had decided against it for many reasons and because of the guilt it caused. I had always believed that marriage was for life. I couldn't give up without giving it every possible effort. I felt that if I could just try harder, the problems would work out. I couldn't face the prospect of being alone. I did not want to be responsible for taking the children’s father away from them. I gave this my best effort, and as usual, I failed.

When my youngest daughter was seven weeks old, I found my fifth child was also on his way. The stress was overwhelming. I came home from the clinic, sat down in the middle of the living-room floor, and began to cry. Because the baby was only a few weeks old, my hormones had not returned to normal and I felt completely out of control. I remember thinking at that time, "If I live to be 20 it will be a miracle"...and it truly was a miracle. God Himself gave me the strength to go on. I was unaware at that time as to just how I was able to continue on, but did realize it was definitely not under my own strength. My children were so precious to me. We had many good times together in spite of life's difficulties but marriage and motherhood were certainly not the dream world I had pictured them to be.

Problems really began when my fifth child was born, a little boy; he weighed four pounds and I watched and waited as his struggle for life came to an end. It took only twenty-two hours. Now in addition to the many problems of marriage, babies, diapers and bills I had to face the death of my newborn son. The church told me that he had been one of the best spirit children in heaven and didn't need to be tempted by Satan. I would only pull him down because I was such a failure. God wanted to spare him from having to live with me. The burden of guilt I was under at that time was extremely heavy. I was being punished by God for my sins.

I called my natural father to tell him of his grandson's death only to have him inform me that he "really wasn't my father so please don't bother him in the future." This added one more question to my already puzzled life. Who was I? I wondered if I would ever find the answer. At least this explained why he had kept my brother and sister and not me, a question I had always been concerned with. Quietly, inside myself, I reasoned, first my mother didn't want me, my father wouldn't even acknowledge me, next my marriage was a disaster and now God Himself was turning his back on me. Something had to be wrong with ..."me". I wondered why I had ever been born.

To add to my problems, I began having a nightmare that would repeat itself every night for many years to come. In it, my newborn son would be crying, I could see him but I could not get to him, try as I may, because there was a veil (curtain) between us. I wanted to help him but couldn't and then I would awaken in a cold sweat only to have this same dream again the following night.

Questions without answers seemed to be quite plentiful now. Would they ever end? I was taught by the church that if I worked hard enough to become a goddess in heaven I would be given back my tiny son during the Millennium and I could then raise him to adulthood. I became determined to accomplish this. I would obey God completely no matter what it took. But love Him? That was another story. How could I love a man (remember in Mormonism, God is just an exalted man) who could be so cruel as to take a newborn son away from his mother as a form of punishment? By now I had learned that loving only brought hurt, something I had already had enough of for a lifetime. Furthermore, I was very well aware by now that no one loved me, I was too imperfect. Even though my foster parents had loved me, I felt that I had let them down so much they could only tolerate me now. Little did I know how much more hurt there was still to come.

I had been struggling to obtain perfection but all it had accomplished was to show me how much I had failed. I thought I was the only one who could not succeed. Feelings of inferiority now controlled everything I thought and everything I did. I had tried every solution I could think of, yet one by one, each ended in failure. I knew I had to find another way as I couldn't give up, not yet.

My next two pregnancies ended early in miscarriage making losing my tiny son even more difficult but I kept going somehow, thanking God for the babies He had allowed me to keep, out of fear He would take them away if I didn't. In spite of all of the problems, I was sincerely grateful to Him for the children I did have. Within the next few weeks I was separated from the children for several months while I had surgery. I missed them so very much. They were all that I had to live for in this life. When I came home from the hospital, I immediately had to have my baby in my arms and against everyone's advice, I had to keep her with me, feeling that if I did not, I might never see her again. I really wasn't physically able to care for her properly but I gave her my very best.

The following year my sixth child was born, a healthy baby boy of just five pounds. My four little ones had just recovered from the chicken pox when I went into labor and I was exhausted. This child was a very good baby which made caring for five pre-schoolers much easier than it could have been otherwise, but still very difficult for me at only 21 years of age.

During that summer and fall, I lost two more babies through miscarriage. My health was failing rapidly. By now I had undergone two major operations and was expecting yet another child. We decided to move to Montana for a completely new beginning. We began a course in temple preparation so we could go to the temple to be married for "all eternity." Maybe this would cause God to feel we had earned His love, at least a little.

My precious daughter was born in the summer. After we had finished the course, we traveled 250 miles to the nearest Mormon temple for the ceremony. This was to be the most special time of our lives, we were told. I had such high expectations but these were quickly shattered when the ceremonies began, because this was also when confusion became the most evident. 1 Corinthians 14:33 tells us "For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace." I listened very carefully to each and every instruction and explanation I was given but much of it was not very clear.

Once inside the temple, we were separated from each other, rented the clothing that was to be worn inside, and proceeded to our dressing rooms. We were told to undress completely, put on a piece of cloth to cover ourselves and each of our body parts were then anointed with oil and blessed. This was very embarrassing to me and I was unable to understand the meaning and purpose for this ceremony. I knew the Bible taught of being anointed with oil by the elders of the church for a blessing. This was done on the forehead and I had also read that in Biblical times there were those who had their feet anointed, but this was quite a different matter altogether. We were being anointed in very personal and private areas and having been taught modesty was so very important, this was difficult to deal with.

We were each given a pair of special underwear and were told we must wear it 24 hours a day from that time forward. We could remove them only to bathe and change and must wear them even during intimate times with our marriage partners. These garments, as they were called, were to be worn next to our skin as a protection against evil. I didn't know that the Bible tells us in Ephesians 6:11, to "Put on the whole armor of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil" and also in Ephesians 6:14-17 this armor is defined, "stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; and your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench the fiery darts of the wicked, and take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the spirit of truth, which is the Word of God." The protection we need is the spiritual armor of God, not a piece of cloth.

We were each given a new name by which our husband would call us forth from our grave on the day of resurrection. I didn't know that every woman in the temple that day was also given the same new name that I had been given. I would later realize that if these teachings were true, then there would definitely be mass confusion on the day of resurrection because when my husband called me forth from my grave, all of the other women who were in the temple the same day as I was, would also come forth to his call since they also had the same new name as I.

We were then shown a play that was to explain the creation of the world. It really wasn't creation at all but was instead organization as even God could not make something out of nothing. Therefore, He organized what He had access to in order to form the earth. The Bible teaches us in Romans 4:17, "Even God, who quickeneth the dead, and calleth those things which be not as though they were". God can make something out of nothing! He spoke them into existence.

Elohim, who was God the Father, Jehovah, who was Jesus Christ, and Michael were together in the beginning. Jehovah and Michael were given a set of instructions, which they carried out, then returned to the Father for approval and further instructions. Once these tasks were all completed, Michael then fell asleep and awakened as Adam. The play continued.

Later, Lucifer appeared to Eve and convinced her to partake of the forbidden fruit. She then told Adam that He must make a choice as he could not keep both of the commandments that God had given him. These were, first, to not partake of the fruit, and second, to multiply and replenish the earth. Adam of course chose to also partake of the forbidden fruit which was not really a sin but was actually God's plan from the beginning as the only way man could begin on his road to godhood. Adam fell upwards into mortality.

After Adam had eaten the fruit, Lucifer appeared to him wearing an apron made from fig leaves. Adam asked what he is wearing. Lucifer replied, "It is an emblem of my power and priesthoods. See, you are naked. Take some fig leaves and make you aprons. Father will see your nakedness. Quick! Hide!" The Bible tells a completely different story. When Adam and Eve gave in to the deceit of Satan, "The eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked, and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings." (Genesis 3:7)

The fact that they even tried to make clothing for themselves showed that they knew they needed to cover themselves and cover their sin. The instant they gave in to temptation they tried to cover up their sin as they "hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden." (Genesis 3:8). According to God's Word they didn't need to have Lucifer appear and bring this to their attention; they instantly KNEW!

Their sin brought death into the world. What is death? It is separation from God. God said to them in Genesis 2:17 "But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die."

What did this mean? Death is not the separation of the soul from the body because Adam lived to age 930. Did God lie? Of course not. Death is the separation of the spirit of man, from God. Adam died spiritually immediately. He died in his soul more each and every day, and he died in his body when his physical life came to an end.

Each participant in the ceremony was then instructed to put on an apron also designed after fig leaves. There we all stood, wearing a symbol of Satanic power throughout the remainder of the ceremony. I was very confused as to why we needed to wear an emblem of Satanic power instead of God’s power. I wasn't allowed to ask, not yet.

Adam was then cast out of the Garden of Eden. Once outside, he built an altar and proceeded to call out three times, "pay-la-ale." We were told this meant "Oh God, hear the words of my mouth!" But it was not God who answered. It is Lucifer who said, "I hear you; what do you want?" Adam then asked "Who are you?" Lucifer replied, "I am the god of this world." Mormons teach there are many gods but maintain they are only subject to the god of this world.

We then proceeded to take blood oaths and being a wife, I agreed to be in total obedience to my husband, giving him the right to slit my throat from ear to ear if I failed to obey. If what I was told to do was wrong, then even if I were to die because of it, it would be my husband who would pay the penalty, not me. Death seemed like an undeniable penalty and a quite sufficient one at that, for any wife to have to pay, but I had been trained to keep these thoughts to myself.

None of this ceremony was discussed prior to our entering the temple. We were told instead to do exactly as we were told to do, say what we were told to say, and all without question. This was not to be discussed outside the temple or even thought about, as then Satan could read our minds and know of God's secrets. Conversation was only allowed in the celestial room after the endowment ceremony was completed and then only in quiet whispers. We are told at that point we could ask questions, but we only stayed there for a few moments before we were told to continue on. Furthermore, I knew it was too late to discuss anything anyway, because by this time, my vows had already been taken. No one came who could answer questions, and we were eventually ushered into the marriage room to be sealed for all eternity.

What does God's Word say about secretive-ness? Luke 12:2-3 tells us, "For there is nothing covered that shall not be revealed, neither hidden that shall not be made known, therefore, whatsoever ye have spoken in darkness shall be heard in the light and that which ye have spoken in the ear in the closets shall be shouted from the housetops." Also, in John 18:20 we find where Jesus said, "What I teach is widely known for I have preached regularly in the synagogue and temple. I have been heard by all the Jewish leaders and teach nothing in private that I have not said in public." If Jesus came to teach the temple ceremonies, as we were being taught, and to only those who were worthy enough to receive them, they could have only been taught in private, just as they are now. How could Jesus have said these things only in private when the Bible quotes Jesus in saying that He did not? How, then, could Jesus have taught nothing in private that He had not said in public when He could not have said these things to those not worthy?

The washing and anointing ceremony had once again washed away all of my sins. I had been given another chance, a new beginning, a clean slate. If I didn't make any mistakes now, I would make it. Guess what? I blew it! A couple of days later, in the midst of all of the problems of the day, I frantically lost my temper at the children and became angry, something I had definitely been cautioned against. I was so very confused. How could I be totally perfect? As I thought back over the temple ceremony I couldn't believe that I had actually participated in it. How could I believe some of the strange teachings I had been given there? How could I have taken an oath of total obedience to my husband regardless of what his request might be?

Yet, I had been taught that anyone who didn't believe these things was of Satan and would never reach celestial heaven. Mormon leaders taught that we should not think for ourselves. It was told us, "Learn to do as you are told, both old and young, Learn to do as you are told for the future. If you are told by your leaders to do a thing, do it! None of your business whether it is right or wrong." (Journal of Discourses v6 p32 by Heber C. Kimball). "When our leaders speak, the thinking has already been done. Lucifer wins a great victory when he can get members of the church to speak against their leaders and to do their own thinking." (Ward teachers message, June 1945). Besides, I knew that if I were to tell anyone of my doubts, I would lose all of the acceptance that I had worked so hard to obtain.

I followed the instructions I had been given by the church leaders and told everyone how beautiful the ceremony was and how happy I was. I wasn't sure who I was trying harder to convince, them or myself.

As anticipated, my next child arrived one year later, a little boy. It was a very difficult delivery as I had pneumonia at the time. He was premature and weighed only three pounds, five ounces as he entered this world. The doctors said he probably wouldn't live until daylight. I didn't understand why this had happened! I had followed through with the temple ceremony as I had been instructed to and had spent hours and hours in service for the church teaching the children, working in the nursery, playing the piano during services, quilting and cooking, and even working at rummage sales in spite of my failing health and all of my responsibilities at home, yet now it appeared God was taking away another one of my babies. As the next few weeks passed though, my son began to grow stronger and when he was six weeks old he was allowed to come home. No mother could have loved her children more than I did but caring for them was so very difficult and the difficulties just seemed to increase from one day to the next.

I was now twenty-four and my children were ages 7, 6, 5, 4, 2, 1, and the baby was two months old. I was so tired, I could hardly keep going. Each and every step I took required a conscious effort. The children required so very much care and there just weren't enough hours in a day. I didn't think it was possible for a person to be as tired as I was at this point. I found myself crying, alone at night, wondering if I would be able to go on even one more day.

Two weeks after I brought my newborn son home from the hospital, and very late one night, I was totally exhausted so I put the baby in his crib for the very first time since his birth and went to bed myself. I had been holding him all night, each night prior to this. It had been a very cold Montana winter and I had held him to make certain he was kept warm. The weather had warmed up this particular night so I thought he would be warm enough. I was anticipating being awakened shortly, in time for his next feeding as he was on a two hour feeding schedule, but when I awoke it was almost daylight. I jumped up quickly, picked up the baby and headed for the kitchen to prepare a bottle for him when I realized he wasn't breathing. He was dead. He had died in his sleep of what was later explained to me to be crib death (SIDDS).

I didn't know it was possible to hurt so deeply! As I held my infant son, and was waiting for the coroner, my Bishop arrived. He asked me what I had done to the baby. He said it was his responsibility to remind me that there was no forgiveness for murder, even if it was unintentional. When I faced Joseph Smith on judgment day, I would know for certain if it was my fault.

I knew in my heart that I wasn't to blame. I had done everything that I possibly could for him. I had kept him fed, clean and dry at all times. I loved each of my children very much. They were my life. My husband also needed someone to blame and I became his target as he said to me, "You're here to care for my kids, not kill them just because you get tired." So I began to wonder if I had inadvertently done something wrong because I was so very exhausted. Had I covered him with too many blankets? Had I not covered him with enough? Had the extra time between his feedings made him so hungry that he had to die? Was placing him in a crib instead of holding him the reason for his death? My thoughts returned to my Bishop's remark, no forgiveness for murder.

You see, in Mormonism it is taught that Christ's blood was not sufficient atonement for some sins. Only the shedding of our own blood can provide such atonement. "There are some serious sins for which the cleansing of Christ does not operate, and the law of God is that men must have their own blood shed to atone for their sins." (Bruce McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, pg. 92-93). Brigham Young had said, "There is not a man or woman who violates the covenants made with their God that they will not be required to pay the debt. The blood of Christ will never wipe that out. Your own blood must atone for it." (Journal of Discourses v 3 pg. 247 ) Yet in 1 John 1:9 we are told, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and will cleanse us from all unrighteousness." All doesn't mean some.

Nowhere does the Bible say that the atonement was limited except for the blasphemy of the Holy Ghost. Matthew. 12:31-32 teaches, "Wherefore I say unto you, all manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men. And whosoever speaketh a word against the son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come." Nowhere does the Bible say we can atone for this by our own deeds.

The people from the church said I would need to go back to the temple more often or the Lord might see fit to give me more problems. I wondered if that meant that He would take away the rest of my children, one by one. So once again we traveled several hundred miles to participate in another temple ceremony at a considerable expense which made other areas of our life even more difficult. This time though I felt even worse. As I left the temple, I knew I would never be able to go through this again. It was all so confusing and hard to believe. How could I keep forcing myself to accept these things? I honestly had tried. To complicate matters, I was being torn in two directions because now I had two tiny sons waiting for me in heaven. What would happen to them if I didn't do what was expected of me? Would they think I had deserted them as my own mother had deserted me?

Mormonism teaches us that there are three heavens: the terrestrial, the telestial, and the celestial. While biblical examination teaches us that the scriptures are referring not to three states of eternal existence but instead are referring to the celestial heaven, where the sun, moon and stars are (see Genesis 1:14), the atmospheric heaven where the rain and the clouds are found (see Deuteronomy. 11:11, Psalm 147:8, and Matthew 24:30) and the believers' heaven where God is (see Isaiah 63:15, Psalms 102:19 and Kings 2:1 1). This is something I would later find to be true. I had often been told how Joseph Smith had once said the lowest heaven was so glorious that if we could get just a glimpse inside, we would all commit suicide to get there! This thought would not be far from my mind for many years to come. I knew I had to reach celestial heaven because of my children. I could not abandon my babies no matter what. Everyone else said this was the right way. Who was I to disagree?

My inferiority had surfaced once again but I finally managed to push all of my fears, my doubts, my emotions, and my hurts deep enough inside and out of reach so as to be able to go on with living. I had to avoid thinking of all of my problems or I would fall apart completely. My arms ached for the babies I had lost. Each and every time I say another baby I would feel the hurt all over again of losing my own sons. Having all of the others helped but just couldn't eliminate the emptiness I still felt as the days passed by. I often wanted to just sit down and cry but this was a indulgence I could not afford. I refused to allow myself to break down again, knowing that if I were to let down my guard for even a moment, I might fall apart completely.

When I became pregnant again I felt I was being given another chance and perhaps God thought I wasn't a total failure after all but when I entered my fourth month, I again had to deal with another miscarriage. God had truly given up on me. I was confident of it, now!

Another year passed, another baby was born, this time by C-Section, after six days of unsuccessful labor. Although he weighed four pounds at birth, his weight dropped rapidly and his life seemed to be quickly slipping away. I had to keep going somehow, but how much more of this could I deal with?

When he was fifteen days old I received a call from the hospital saying he had been released. They could not find a source for his "failing to thrive" and there was nothing more they could do for him. "I might as well enjoy the time he had left. He would probably only live another 24 hours at the most".

They handed me an eyedropper to feed him with as I left the hospital with my infant son. I was crushed inside. I had to do something! I couldn't simply watch him die in my arms. Why must this little one suffer so? How could I simply watch my baby die in my arms? Surely something could be done! I called a friend who drove me to Salt Lake City to the children's hospital. About a hundred miles from home, the baby stopped breathing but with CPR, the help of the Highway Patrol, then a hospital on the way, where they gave him oxygen for a while and an IV, we were able to continue on. Once in Salt Lake, he weighed in at just 2 lb. 5 oz., and was placed in an incubator under ultraviolet lights because he was severely jaundiced.

He remained in ICU for an entire month. He was so very tiny. The cotton balls that were to cover his eyes for protection, covered his entire face instead. I watched them measure his medicine under a microscope because he was so small. I stayed with him all day each day, holding him whenever I could but I was terrified as I watched him struggle for each breath. Twice a day I took time to go to the emergency room at the adult hospital a short distance away, to have my abscessed stitches drained from being out of bed so soon after the surgery.

As the days went by, he began to improve and the Lord allowed us to keep him. When he was finally allowed to come home, I watched him every moment. When he went to sleep, I woke him up to make sure he was still alive and still breathing. I was constantly afraid that he would die too, if I were not aware of his condition every moment. I was unable to sleep because I began holding him 24 hours a day, seldom putting him down unless someone else was holding him. To make matters worse, I immediately became pregnant again, a pregnancy that later also ended in miscarriage.

I realized that I could no longer handle having children, worrying so and watching them die one by one. Now, in addition to seven living children I had lost 9 others through death and miscarriage. I was only 26 years old.

I decided against having any more babies. Once again I was reprimanded by the Bishop as he informed me that birth control was forbidden and it wasn't my choice to make. The Mormon Church teaches... "it is contrary to the teachings of the church to artificially curtail or prevent the birth of children" (Birth Control-General Handbook of Instructions. #21 p.105). "I believe that where people undertake to curtail or prevent the birth of their children that they are going to reap the disappointment by and by. I have no hesitancy in saying IT IS ONE OF THE GREATEST CRIMES OF THIS WORLD TODAY, this evil practice" (Gospel Doctrine, Joseph F. Smith p278 and 279. "Birth control is wickedness. POSSIBLY NO GREATER SIN COULD BE COMMITTED by the people who have embraced the gospel than to prevent life " (Doctrines of Salvation p88). If my husband wanted me to remain able to have more children, whether we had them or not, it was my responsibility to be able to do so as a submissive wife should. So what if they didn't all live? Once they had gained their physical bodies I would have accomplished what was needed. It was selfish for me to expect to be able to keep them all on this earth. In my heart I knew that I couldn't deal with this again no matter what reasons they gave me. The pressure was simply too great. Besides I had seven others to think about. The result of this decision was even more guilt for now I had failed at what I believed my purpose was for being here in the first place, that of having children.

We returned to Utah so my husband could again look for work. The home we had rented became flooded from a nearby creek and was uninhabitable. My husband moved out, leaving all of us again, rather than to have to face another move. We lived on the front lawn for almost a month, unable to find another place to live. I realized we could not go on this way. It was necessary for us to go somewhere where we could find a place to rent and try to make a new start again. With the help of my oldest sister, we moved to Washington state where she lived.

I soon found I could not cope with being alone. I could not go to work, because baby-sitters for seven children would have amounted to more than my salary since I had dropped out of school and had no work skills. I could not depend on receiving any child support from my husband. He was seldom employed.

Problems continued to mount. One of the girls developed epilepsy, then another one. The baby got meningitis and almost died. We had often lived in condemned housing, slept on bare floors, and went without food many times. It was very difficult to have to send my children to bed hungry but there were many times that I had no choice. It seemed someone was sick all of the time. I turned to the Mormon Church for help.... both emotional and material. Materially, they did help me but emotionally they just added to my guilt telling me it was my fault alone that I was in the situation I was facing. I had not been a submissive wife, I had not cared perfectly for my home and children, and had gone against my husband’s wishes concerning remaining able to have more children. I was now "reaping what I had sown."

I had never expected a handout so that I could be lazy and do nothing. I believed a woman's responsibility was to care for her home and her children, which unquestionably was work. I had been denied this by the course my life had taken. I began working for the church to help pay for the items that I had received but this created even more problems. In order for me to do two hours worth of cleaning at the church this required ten hours each day and the assistance of five families in the church as my children were split up each day for their care. It also required another two families to provide transportation for this endeavor. Because of the stress this caused on the children, their epileptic seizures increased in frequency and intensity, some days amounting to as many as thirty-five seizures my children had to suffer through, plus the baby began having asthma attacks. I was steadily growing weaker each day and I was told I would need more major surgery (by now, my 11 th) if I was to go on living to care for my children. I had no choice but to have the surgery and stay at home with my family but I was reminded that if I didn't have all I needed it was because I wasn't trying hard enough. I would have to try harder no matter what it took or how I felt, but how?

While I was recuperating from the surgery, my husband returned home once more and we attempted to salvage our broken marriage still another time.

After several months with my husband still not finding employment, we once again returned to Utah. Our problems continued to increase and so did the arguments. I hated arguing all of the time but it seemed to have become a habit by now. I spoke with one of the Bishops only to be told that it would be acceptable for us to separate but not divorce. Once all of the children were grown, if my husband chose to come back to me then it would be well worth the wait for I could not get to celestial heaven without him nor him without a wife. Brigham Young stated that if a man "wishes to be saved, he cannot be saved without a woman by his side." (Times and Seasons 6:955). Salvation without Exaltation is Damnation according to Mormon teaching. Was it fair for me to have to raise all of these children alone only to have him return when all of the responsibility was ended? I didn't believe so.

At twenty-six years of age, with seven children left to raise, ages nine and under, my husband felt that he, also, could not handle any more failure, pressure, and guilt. Consequently, we got a divorce. He reminded me that I was of no further use to him anyway since I could no longer have children.

By this time I realized that I couldn't try any harder so I just decided to give up. My guilt was more than I could deal with by this time. I began to believe that the children would be better off without me because I wasn't a good Mormon influence on them anyway. Over the next few weeks I made several trips to different doctors gathering prescriptions for sleeping pills that would put an end to all of my problems. After all, wasn't the lowest kingdom better than this? But God's Word promises us in 1 Corinthians 10:13, "There hath no temptation that has taken you but such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able but will, with the temptation, also make a way of escape that ye may be able to bear it." God kept that promise in my life even though I had never read it.

I had spent the day preparing for what I was about to do. The pills were hidden on my closet shelf. I knew this would be hard for my kids to deal with but certainly not as hard as having to live with me as their mother. All I could give them was my love and that simply wasn't enough. I loved my children and I did my very best for them but no matter how much I did or how much I gave, it never seemed to be enough. They wanted more out of life than I was able to provide. They deserved more but I was unable to do anything about it.

As evening approached, I heard a knock on my door. A friend I had known in Montana had stopped in to say hello on her way home from California. (We were in Utah). I had expected her a week before this and when she did not arrive I gave up expecting her at all. Seems she had just met Jesus and I thought she was weird now. She kept saying, "Praise the Lord!" and talking about JESUS. It couldn't have been the same Jesus I knew about for He was answering her prayers. I believed that God our Heavenly Father answered important prayers for some who had earned that privilege, but not Jesus. She stayed in my home for almost a week so of course my plans had to be put on hold for that length of time. In some ways I could hardly wait for her to go. As they were getting ready to leave, my daughter begged to go with them for a short visit. I put my plans off one more time. I wanted my children altogether first. I must have been looking for a reason to go on living, even if I didn't want to admit it.

Two weeks later I headed for Montana to pick up my daughter and bring her home, planning to spend only one night and return the next day. However, God had other plans. I was stranded in the home of this new Christian waiting for my check and unable to leave for an entire month.

Being a new Christian, she had friends coming and going at all hours making sure that she was well grounded in the Word. There was always a testimony of another answered prayer from someone. But there was no condemnation towards me, either, as I had been led to believe there would be. They just kept sharing God's Word and His love with me.

I began to feel some hope, even though I didn't understand why. Maybe, I reasoned, if we moved back to Montana and tried again, we could make it. Before we could make such a move I would have to find a place for us to live. As usual, I soon became discouraged when I found that landlords didn't want to rent to such a large family and rent was extremely high for my budget. I was coaxed into attending a Bible study with my friend and while there, they asked if they could pray for me, a prayer that the Lord would find us an apartment in Montana. I didn't want to offend anyone simply because my upbringing had been different from theirs. These people had a right to their own beliefs. As is saw it, this was definitely a selfish prayer so why would God answer it? However, I didn't want to be rude. After all, when someone prays for you in the Mormon church they stand up, talk for about 30 seconds and it's over. I could handle that.

Her prayer was different though. She began taking to God in a way I had never heard before, like He was her best friend, like He was right there with her, and as if she knew beyond any doubt, that He would answer her prayer. When we returned home, top my friend’s apartment, one of the landlords who had turned me down called and said that he had changed his mind. If I still wanted the apartment it was mine. Within a few hours, the way opened up for me to return to Utah and pick up my other children. We immediately moved back to Butte.

We had no furniture, clothing, dishes, or food to bring with us but for some reason I was happy for the first time in years. After six weeks of searching and contacting every local agency, I still had no furniture or clothing for the children. My new friend said I should ask Jesus to get my furniture for me. Even though I still felt this was useless, she had a right to her opinion. What harm could another prayer do? As she prayed she quoted Philippians 4:19 "My God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." Five days later I was giving furniture away. I couldn't fit any more into my apartment. I wondered why God was answering such a selfish prayer.

Shortly thereafter, the first snow of the year arrived and my children all had to go to school without coats. This didn't set to well with the school nurse. She immediately came over to find out why. I showed her through the closets which were completely empty as were the cupboards. We only had a couple of dishes that we shared. The only food we had was what I had been able to charge from the dairy (bread, milk, cheese, and eggs) as we were still waiting for our food stamps to begin. Once she had seen the situation, she left. Later that day she sent word by way of a neighbor that she would be by that evening with some coats that she had gathered together for the children. I was excited but not quite prepared for what was to happen next. When she arrived she was being followed by two pickup trucks.

They began bringing in box after box of everything imaginable. Dishes, food, clothing, blankets, toasters, irons, etc. I began to see that God really was concerned about the material needs in our lives. The first box I opened had a plaque on top of the praying hands and read Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread . Now I'm pretty hard headed but there was no way I could deny that Jesus had answered the prayer of my friend. I just didn't understand why. I had to tell someone so I ran upstairs to a neighbor's, my nearest Mormon friend in Butte, and asked her to come to my apartment to see what Jesus had done for me. She looked at me rather skeptically and then came down to see this so called miracle. After looking it over she turned to me and said, "Jesus didn't do this for you, Satan did to pull you away from the church."

This was about all I could take. I just couldn't understand what was happening in my life but I was definitely determined to find out!

I decided to investigate both sides of the situation on my own without anyone's assistance as I didn't want anyone persuading me to believe their way. I wanted the truth and as I saw it, only God had the answers I needed. I couldn't trust anyone else to be honest with me. I felt that if the Lord didn't reveal the truth to me there was no point in believing anything anymore. I still felt that Mormonism was the right way and set out to find what I had missed, in order to prove it to myself and to my new friends and settle this dilemma once and for all.

Let me explain. While speaking before a group of students at BYU on Feb. 26, 1980, President Ezra Taft Benson made it clear that the "Living Oracles" wielded absolute authority over every faithful Mormon. He said, "Brigham Young took the stand and took the Bible, the Book of Mormon, and the Doctrine & Covenants, and laid them down. Brother Brigham said, "When compared with the Living Oracles, those books mean nothing to me; those books do not convey the Word of God direct to us now as do the words of a Prophet or a man bearing the holy priesthood in our day and generation. I would rather have the Living Oracles than all the writing in those books" (taken from The Fourteen Fundamentals in Following the Prophet). Elder S. Dilworth Young of the General Authorities said on May 5, 1974, at BYU. "Modern revelation is what President Joseph Smith said unless President Spencer W. Kimball says differently."

President Wilford Woodruff stated in the Journal of Discourses v9 pg. 324, "The Bible, the Book of Mormon, and the Doctrine & Covenants would scarcely be sufficient to guide us for 24 hours. We are guided by the Living Oracles." President Harold B. Lee said at the LDS General Conference Apr. 8, 1973, "If you want to know what the Lord has for this people at the present time, I would admonish you to get and read the discourses that have been delivered at the conferences for what these brethren have spoken by the power of the Holy Ghost is the mind of the Lord, the will of the Lord, the voice of the Lord, and the power of God unto salvation." Brigham Young said in the Journal of Discourses v l3 pg. 95, "I have never preached a sermon and sent it out to the children of men that they may not call scripture." Since this book was written by one of the Apostles of the Church, it was as reliable as "scripture." I prayed that God would show me His truth as I began to study.

I found that the references were not all taken from the Bible as I had been taught. Many were from the other writings instead. Why had I been lied to? If the Church was true then shouldn't truth be enough to prove it? The more I studied the more I realized that the Christianity taught between its pages was not the same as the Christianity my new friends had shared with me, using the Bible. The more I studied from this Mormon book the more hopeless and confused I became but I continued to check out each and every page until I had studied them all.

Now, I needed to see the other side of the issue. I called my new friend and asked her if she had a Bible that I could borrow. Even though it was after 10 p.m. it took her less than ten minutes to show up at my door with a New Testament. I would later find that God has given us a promise concerning the reading of His Word in Isaiah 55:11, " So shall My Word be that goeth forth out of My mouth; it shall not return to Me void but it shall accomplish that which I please and it shall prosper whereunto I sent it." I began looking for a few familiar scriptures to back up my beliefs but I could not find them easily and quickly without my concordance so instead, I returned to the beginning and began reading it straight through like a book, taking nothing out of context. I found that I could not stop but continued to read it from cover to cover with very little interruption. I read for four days and four nights.

When I had finished reading the entire New Testament, my eyes were red and swollen from crying as the Holy Spirit had deeply touched my heart. I read how Jesus was born of a virgin and why. Mormonism had taught me that "Christ was not begotten of the Holy Ghost. Christ was begotten of God. He was not born without the aid of a man and that man was God" (Doctrines of Salvation 1:18) Bruce McConkie also stated in Mormon Doctrine pg. 547, "Christ was begotten by an immortal father in the same way that mortal men are begotten by their mortal fathers. Brigham Young taught "The birth of the Savior was as natural as the births of our children. It was the result of natural action. He partook of flesh and blood and was begotten of His father as we were of our fathers. (Journal of Discourses v8 pg. 15). John Woodsoe stated "When the time came that His firstborn, the Savior, should come into this world and take a tabernacle (a body) the Father came himself and favored that spirit with a tabernacle instead of letting any other man do it." (Journal of Discourses v4 pg. 218) The Bible didn't say God the Father had come to earth to have sex with Mary in order to provide a body for Jesus and it wasn't just something excluded. The Bible actually taught the opposite. Matthew 1:18 tells us "Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: when his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found to be with child of the Holy Ghost." Matthew 1:20 tells us "Fear not to take unto thee Mary for thy wife for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost."

Isaiah 7:14 foretells the conception of Jesus as it says, "Behold a virgin shall conceive and bear a son and shall call his name Immanuel" (meaning God with us). The term virgin is not that difficult to understand. Mary was a virgin at the time of Christ's birth because the Bible says a virgin shall bear a son.

Mormonism taught that it was an absolute necessity to build up a year's supply of food under direct order of God. I was barely able to feed the children from one day to the next. I had felt very guilty about not being able to store up this large supply. Yet I found the Bible to say in Matthew 6:19 "Don't store up treasures here on earth where they can erode away or may be stolen. Store them in heaven where they never lose their value and are safe from thieves. If your treasures are in heaven your heart will be there too." The word DON'T in this scripture could not be ignored. In Matthew 6:25 & 6:34 I read, "Don't worry about things--food, drink and clothes, for you already have life and a body, and they are more important than what to eat or wear. Look at the birds! They don't worry about what to eat, they don't need to sow or reap or store up food, for your Heavenly Father feeds them and you are far more valuable to Him that they are. Will your worries add a single moment to your life? So don't be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrows too. Live one day at a time."

I thought that I had to go through a living prophet to get to God, a temple ceremony, a Mormon husband, a priesthood holder. Now, I read in John 14:16 Jesus said "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No man cometh to the Father but by me" and in 1 Timothy 2:5 we read, "For there is one God and one mediator between God and man, the man Jesus Christ." Yet Brigham Young taught "I want to tell them and tell all the great men of the earth, that the Latter-day Saints (Mormons) are to be their redeemer. Believe in God, believe in Jesus, and believe in Joseph Smith his prophet, and Brigham Young his successor, and I add, if you will believe in your hearts and confess with your mouth Jesus is the Christ, that Joseph Smith was a prophet, and that Brigham Young is his successor, you shall be saved in the kingdom of God. No man or woman in this dispensation will ever enter into the celestial Kingdom of God without the consent of Joseph Smith...I cannot go there without his consent. He reigns there as supreme." (Brigham Young, JOURNAL OF DISCOURSES, 6:299, 7:289). Joseph Fielding Smith said "There is no salvation without accepting Joseph Smith" (Doctrines of Salvation pg. 189-90). Joseph Smith is quoted as having said, " I have more to boast of than ever any man had. I am the only one that has been able to keep a whole church together since the days of Adam. A large majority of the whole have stood by me. Neither Paul, John, Peter nor Jesus ever did it. I boast that no man ever did such a great a work as I. The followers of Jesus ran away from Him but the Latter-day Saints never ran away from me, yet." (Journal of Discourses v6 pg. 32) He put himself above God when he said, "the whole earth shall bear witness that I like the towering rock in the midst of the ocean which has withstood the mighty surges of the warring waves for centuries, am impregnable. I combat the errors of ages, I meet the violence of mobs, I cope with illegal proceedings from executive authority. I cut the Gordian knot of powers and I solve mathematical problems of universities with truth, diamond truth, and GOD IS MY RIGHT HAND MAN" (History of the Church v6 p32).

The Bible taught me that Jesus was God, therefore He was perfect. Mormonism taught "Christians worship too perfect a Christ. They worship a Savior who is too pure and holy to fulfill the commands of His Father. I worship one that is just pure and holy enough to fulfill all righteousness. Not only the righteous law of baptism but the still more righteous and important law to multiply and replenish the earth. Startle not at this for even the Father himself honored that law by coming down to Mary without a natural body and begetting a son and if Jesus beget children He only did that which He had seen His Father do." Mormonism taught that Jesus was a polygamist. Orson Hyde taught "We say it was Jesus Christ who was married at Cana whereby he could see his seed before he was crucified.." (Journal of Discourses v4 pg. 2lO). We had been taught that He had married Mary, the sister of Lazarus, Mary Magdalene, and Martha as well as others, yet I found none of these facts in the Bible. Why would facts of such importance be left out of the Word of God?

I found even more contradictions to Mormon doctrines as I continued to read the Bible. John 4:24 told me God is Spirit and they that worship Him must worship Him in spirit and in truth." I had already read in Luke 24:39 how the Bible defined a spirit. A spirit does not have flesh and bones, but Mormonism taught that God did have a body of flesh and bones. God's Word said that God is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8). Yet Cleon Skousen taught in his book The First 2000 Years that God is God because he had obtained the support of the intelligences of heaven and if he should do anything that they did not approve of, He would lose their support and would cease to be God. The Doctrine and Covenants 93:36 reads "We believe in a God who is himself progressive. Whose majesty is intelligence, whose perfection consists in eternal advancement." I had been taught that even God had more that He could learn but the Bible taught that He already knew everything there was to know.

I had been unable to understand a God who was not a man because I had limited Him to time, space and substance. I could now see God is a spirit. He is not a man, he created man, he created time, he is not controlled by it.

I had attempted to become perfect as I had been instructed to, under my own strength. I had failed miserably trying to obey all of the rules. Now I read in Romans 3:19-25, "We know that everything in the Law was written for those who are under its power. The Law says these things to stop anyone from making excuses and to let God show that the whole world is guilty. God doesn't accept people simply because they obey the law. No, indeed! All the law does is point out our sin. Now we see how God does make us acceptable to Him. The Law and the Prophets tell how we become acceptable and it isn't by obeying the Law of Moses. God treats everyone alike. He accepts people only because they have faith in Jesus Christ. All of us have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. But God treats us much better than we deserve, and because of Jesus Christ, He freely accepts us and sets us free from our sins. God sent Christ to be our sacrifice." (TLB). God's Word had shown me that I could not become perfect on my own no matter how hard I would try. It had accomplished its purpose.

But what about Joseph Smith's prayer, I asked myself. What about the angel Moroni? As I read in Galatians 1:7-8 I found my answer to this question. "You are being fooled by those who twist and change the truth concerning Christ. Let's God's curses fall on anyone including myself who preaches any other way to be saved than the one we told you about. Yes, even if an angel comes from heaven and preaches any other message, let him be forever cursed. I will say it again. If anyone preaches any other gospel let God's curses fall upon him."

I stopped reading for a moment. I could see now, that the Gospel that was taught in the Bible was very different from that of the Mormon church. The gospel of the Mormon Church taught that we are saved because of faith plus works, while the Bible taught that we are saved on the basis of our faith alone. The works that we do in our life are a result of our salvation not a prerequisite for obtaining it.

The Mormon Church taught that God was one of many gods, an exalted man but the Bible taught there was only one God and He had always been God. Mormonism taught the we should strive to make ourselves become worthy to be a God while the Bible taught that God would come into our hearts and live His life through us thus conforming us to the image of Jesus. I knew this scripture not only referred to Joseph Smith, the Mormon church leaders, and the Angel Moroni, it also meant me for I had done my part in spreading Mormonism to others.

As I continued on, I found in 1 John 1:9, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us." I knew the Holy Spirit had touched my life in a very special way. I could no longer look to the gold statue of the Angel Moroni that stands atop every Mormon Temple, instead I would now look to the cross of Calvary and its meaning. Not to worship the cross as I had often been told that Christians do, but instead, to view it as a reminder of God's love.

Mormon leaders had taught, "Mormonism is Christianity, Christianity is Mormonism. They are one in the same and are not to be distinguished from each other in the minutest detail." Brigham Young had recorded in the Journal of Discourses, " Pick up the Bible, compare it with the religion of the Latter-day Saints and see if it will pass the test." This I had done and it did not pass the test. It clearly was different, very different! I asked Jesus to forgive my sins and remove the curse of Galatians from my life and do you know what? He did! He didn't say earn it first, do this ceremony first, take these oaths first. He just kept His promise and forgave me. He gave me absolute assurance that He loves me. He had said in His Word, Romans 5:8, " But God commendeth His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." He had come to live in my heart. 2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." I was a new creation. God had planted His truth in my heart and there was no denying it.

As I fell asleep that night, my usual nightmare once again began. This time though it would be different. As my baby lay in His crib, crying, I saw Jesus open the curtain (the veil), walk over to Him and pick him up. He stopped crying. I would never again have this nightmare. I also could now understand the meaning of the dream. You see, in Mormonism the veil in the temple that separated God and man is still in place and only through memorizing secret temple ceremonies could we be allowed entrance through it. The Mormon church teaches that its temple ceremony is patterned after the Old Testament Temple therefore this veil is supposed to be symbolic of the same veil. The Bible taught that the veil in the temple was torn from top to bottom (from God in heaven to man on earth) when Jesus died on Calvary. We now can enter into God's presence through the blood of Christ. (see Matthew 27:51 and Mark 15:38). I knew now that my babies were safe in the Lord's care.

I didn't realize that God had a plan for each of our lives. As I continued my study of the entire Bible, now I found in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you. They are plans for good and not for evil. To give you a future and a hope."

I faced a real struggle over the next few years. Becoming a Christian doesn't mean all of our problems will simply disappear. They just come along now with solutions when we learn to turn them over to Christ and trust Him for His answers. I made many mistakes but I learned that God didn't expect overnight perfection from us anymore than we expect overnight maturity from our children when they are first born. We grow by learning to turn each failure over to God and trusting Him to forgive us. As long as we are sincerely trying, He will never turn His back on us. We grow spiritually by feeding on His precious Word, so I began reading my Bible daily, along with good Christian books making certain to verify everything I read with the Word. I listened to Christian music and spent time daily in prayer. How could I get to know someone on a personal basis if I didn't take time to talk with Him often and learn about Him?

One of my Mormon influenced attitudes seemed to be the hardest to go, inferiority. I still believed God could not deal with me on a one to one basis where important matters were concerned. I had convinced myself that God could not reach down to me because I wasn't spiritual enough. I felt He had to reach me through someone who was a better Christian than I was. This error in my thinking was a lesson I would still have to learn.

I found myself leaning on others for their answers instead of going to God for His. I had begun depending on my friends far too much, mainly for transportation and for someone to talk to, much more often than I should have. I, also depended on them heavily for their guidance. I was so afraid of facing life's decisions on my own and unable to trust in my abilities as a mother.

I wanted to remarry so life would be complete but feared I would once again make the wrong choice. My friend had the perfect solution. Since I trusted so little in myself it was easier to place my trust in her, not realizing that she was also a new Christian and had much to learn too, even though she meant well. I mistakenly believed that because she was more spiritual than I was, she had the right answers. She believed that God had spoken to someone in her Bible study group and clearly indicated the man I was to marry. This man was someone I had cared for very much as a friend in the past so when he asked me out the following week I accepted. I wanted to do what God wanted me to, plus I wanted so very much to belong somewhere. I was very insecure within myself and very much afraid of going through life without a husband and afraid of being totally responsible for providing the needs of all of my children. So I decided to set my goal on marrying this man but I continued to study the Bible as well. I began doing what I had seen so many others do, instead of what the Bible taught; that is, picking and choosing the parts I felt comfortable with and setting aside what interfered with my particular situation. However, the closer I got to God the farther apart this man and I grew.

How could I separate what I had been taught by others from what I was learning in the Word? There was so much I didn't understand. I would find the answer to this when I would be able to realize that nothing was of God if it did not agree totally with the Word of God. I could not pick and choose parts of the Bible. I had to accept it all because God had inspired it all. 2 Timothy 3:16, "All scripture is given by inspiration of God and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness." 2 Peter 1:20, "Knowing this that no ...scripture is of any private interpretation" tells us that every scripture must agree with the rest of the Bible. It cannot be interpreted by itself apart from the other scriptures. It is our responsibility to verify everything we read and everything we hear against the Bible for true accuracy.

My circle of Christian friends began to change but my inferiority did not. I still could not trust my own feelings and decisions. You see, up to this point I'd merely changed one set of rules for another. My life had always been centered around listening to others. One day during my Bible study I read .."For I am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed unto Him against that day." Because I had committed my life to God, He would teach me whatever I needed to know to be able to live the life that He had planned for me. Even though I sometimes resisted, because in my heart I only wanted His will in my life. God looks upon the heart not the outward appearance (see 1 Samuel 16:7).

I was making many mistakes and was leaning on others but I wanted and needed Jesus. I was still trying to earn His acceptance and after four years of ups and downs my life reached a point where I knew I would have to make a choice....continue seeing this man and trying to force a marriage to take place between us or choose God and end my plans of ever marrying him. To make this decision even more difficult, I had become very attached to his six children. I loved them so very much. They had become almost as important to me as were my own. I knew I would give up my chance of ever seeing them again if I chose what I believed to be God's way. It was like losing my own babies all over again, a pain I'd hoped never to have to face again. I had spent a great deal of time with their mother, also, as we were friends. She was like the sister that I never had, but that friendship too would end, I was certain of that. It would leave me totally alone with no means of transportation for shopping, doctor’s visits, etc. no one to talk to, no one to turn to for advice, no way to even get to church. I was frightened of facing life's decisions alone. As I saw things, she was my one link to God because I had little trust in myself. Was she right and was I wrong? Would I be turning my back on what God had chosen for me to do? Separating these two sets of beliefs was difficult.

All of this caused a great deal of turmoil inside, but I had come to know too much about Jesus and to love Him too much to forget Him now. God's word had become very important to me even though there was a lot that I still didn't understand. Jesus had become my reason for living now, as well as my children, so I chose God and was right back to square one. I should have learned by now to listen to God instead of others. I hadn't yet, but I was working on it. As I feared, I also lost my friend and the chance to see the children by having made this choice.

When I thought things couldn’t get any more difficult, I finally tried turning to God on my own. I had been so misunderstood by others but now I knew in my heart God understood me completely. I moved back to Utah and met a new group of Christians. These people meant well but they had failed to understand what forgiveness, repentance, and justification really meant. I, too, had failed to understand. Many Christians, it seems, believe divorce and remarriage to be "the unpardonable sin". Yes, it is wrong but it is not unforgivable. If we confess it as sin, and change direction in our lives rather than simply repeating our mistakes over and over again, we can receive God's forgiveness and begin living again. God will not hold it against us, even if people do. Jeremiah 31:34 tells us, "For I will forgive their iniquity and I will remember their sin no more."

My new friends had convinced me that God had expected me to return to my ex-husband and help him see the meaning of salvation or I should remain single forever. I was so very frightened of being alone, almost to the point of sheer panic but I should have heeded the counsel of the Bible. If I had, I would have spared myself and others a great deal of heartache and grief. 2 Corinthians 6:14 tells us, "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?" But since this interfered with my needs at that particular moment, I pushed this teaching aside and remarried my ex-husband.

It wasn't long before God seemed so very far away. I felt surrounded by darkness and turmoil again and heavily burdened. God seemed too far away for me to even find Him. There was constant arguing again and many of the old problems had returned. My husband was still not supporting us but he was attending school. He was trying and so was I but we were not working things out together. We were pulling against each other, instead. I was working in a laundromat and as the days moved on I put in more and more hours at work including Sundays to avoid fighting over going to church. The more problems I encountered, the more time I would spend at work. This time divorce was not an option but living had once again become an unbearable nightmare.

In desperation, I asked God to guide me but, as in the past, I looked to others for that guidance instead of to God for His, still feeling God could not speak to me because I wasn't spiritual enough. I should have realized God couldn't speak to anyone who wouldn't take the time to listen. This marriage lasted about a year, with even more problems to face than before because I was trying to do things my own way, and so was my husband. I was on a roller-coaster, up and down, trying to form and shape my own life instead of allowing the Lord to work His will through me.

Oh, how I missed my previously close relationship with the Lord. Now He seemed so far out of reach. I foolishly thought I could find Him again in Montana where I had found Him before. God knows no distance nor is He confined to a specific geographic location. I should have realized that but in order to do so I would also have had to admit that I had failed again, something I wasn't able to do. I tried to force the issue of moving back to Montana with my husband which only added to our other problems. Even though he still wasn't working, he refused to make the move. He wouldn't even agree to think about it for a later time. I felt that I was now at the end of my rope. Then, one afternoon he walked into the living room and announced that he was leaving. The kids and I had become "too much responsibility" for him to handle and he wanted a divorce. I was numb. I had listened to others instead of the Lord and now I was facing another divorce.

I took the children and returned to Montana, trying to turn my back on my problems instead of dealing with them. I found this time that I was completely alone as far as Christian friends were concerned. No one had time to tell me which way to turn or what to do. Now I was on my own, or so I thought. But when I gave my life to the Lord years before, He promised me through His Word, "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (John 1:5). 1 was finally to learn that I had never been alone. I felt completely isolated from everyone, and I cried out to God asking why He hadn't straightened out my life. Softly He spoke to my spirit as He said.. "You wouldn't allow me to." I had fought too hard against Him, trying to do it all myself and in the process, tying His hands. God had finally gotten through to me. He had to get me completely alone so I would listen to Him instead of others, so I would lean on Him for His guidance and His strength. Through His patience, I could now see that He had accepted me as I was and together we would work out my problems.

My relationship with Jesus finally began to grow. I had learned that He would not tell others His will for my life, without telling me first. He began teaching me to trust Him and to rely on Him. I began to love God more with each passing day. I still felt that there was one thing missing in my life, a Christian husband. I'd always wanted to be part of a real family because even though I had my children, I still felt very much alone. I read in 1 Corinthians 7:7 (LB) "God gives some the gift of a husband or wife and others He gives the gift of being able to remain happily unmarried." Since I was not completely happy being alone, I accepted this promise and trusted the Lord to bring it to pass in His time... not mine.

One evening during a special worship service at the church, God gave me a vision in my heart, promise that someday in His perfect timing, I would have a Christian husband. Whenever I became depressed over the many problems of being a single parent, I could hold onto that promise. Someday, if I didn't give up trusting God and if I continued to do my best to serve Him, I would have this desire of my heart. Psalms 20:4 teaches, "He will give us the desires of our hearts." I do not believe this to mean that God will our wish list. Instead, I believe it to mean He will place His desires for our lives into our hearts and make them our own." This is what I was going to trust God to do.

My youngest daughter’s medical condition grew worse. At twelve years of age, she was unable to sit up at times, unable to feed herself, and often had to be carried. She spent a great deal of time on a foam mattress in the center of the living-room floor and behind the counter while I was working at the laundromat. As her condition continued to worsen, I took her to California for medical treatment because no one seemed to know how to help her in Montana. For the very first time I found that I couldn't even provide my children with a place to live. For ten days we lived in our station wagon visiting the few people we knew during the day. It was hot July weather and we searched daily for apartments. We finally located a small one, moved in with no furniture again but we made the best of it for we knew it was only temporary.

Once we were settled, my daughters testing began and she was eventually diagnosed as having a neurological disorder and specific treatment was begun. She began to improve, little by little. We continued to face many difficulties but in the midst of them I was blessed with my first grandchild. Several months later, as my daughter’s illness began to be controlled with her medication, we returned to Utah and I went back to work at the local laundromat.

I attempted to return to school to enable us to raise our standard of living. This kept me away from the children even more than before. My daughter could not deal with the stress that her illness caused and decided suicide would solve her problems. She did not succeed but I realized I had responsibilities to my home and family. Those responsibilities would have to come before school. It would have to wait until later.

My life began filling up with many things that had to be done. I allowed myself to become too busy to take time for God, too busy to study, and too busy to pray. In addition to my own children I now had three grandchildren. I was determined not to let them go without, as my own had so often been forced to do. I mistakenly thought they were dependent on me rather than their own parents. I allowed myself to become so involved with the things of this world that I began to drift away from God. My pattern of trying to do everything on my own had once again returned. Somehow, I would have to learn all over again to put God first. I felt so very empty inside again.

I longed for Christian fellowship but there seemed to be none around and I couldn't find the time, either. I joined a Christian Bible study, pen-pal club but received no replies. I found that I really missed the times I had spent in Bible study and prayer. Christian friends were nowhere to be found especially since I could not get away from work to attend church. To add to my difficulties I still had not learned to drive, therefore transportation was a major difficulty.

One night after I had closed up the laundromat and was alone, I was just too tired to walk home and face the crowd. It was 3 A.M., I sat down on the floor, leaned against a washing machine in the dark, and began to cry. I wondered if God would give me another chance. Satan immediately began heaping the guilt upon me as he tried to convince me that I had really blown it this time. Why should God give me another chance after I'd practically ignored Him for almost a year? But the Holy Spirit has promised to bring all things to our remembrance in John 14:26, "The Holy Spirit, He will teach you much as well as remind you of everything that I Myself (Jesus) have told you." He reminded me of the words of Romans 8:1 "So there is now no condemnation awaiting those who belong to Christ Jesus." God would not condemn me for my mistakes "if I would lay them at the cross. I turned to God and asked Him if it was too late for a new beginning. I felt the warmth of the Holy Spirit joining my spirit and all of the words I had read over the years came to my mind. God spoke to my heart in a very special way that night as He said...

. " You have avoided me because of your sins. It is not will I give you another chance but rather will you give Me another chance. A chance to take care of you, to supply your needs, to give you My love. I have not withdrawn My love from you. You have built up a wall blocking it from reaching you. You do not have My joy and My peace because you will not take what is offered. These are My gifts to you but a gift is of no value until you reach out and accept it. If you are to receive from Me you must come into My presence and rest. It is during those quiet moments with Me that we can come to know each other. You can give of yourself to Me. If we are to become close, we must spend time together. Be fed on My Word then rest in My presence. Even if you receive no special word, you will receive Me. My presence will be with you. From My presence you may draw upon heaven to receive from Me. Peace, love, joy, assurance..................Assurance that I have everything under control. I have given you a promise. It was during a quiet moment with Me that I was able to give you such a promise. You took the time to be very much aware of My presence then. You can once again if you will let Me have control.

"Trust in Me once again. Allow Me to make the decisions that control the future events of your life so that I may fulfill My promises to you. The more decisions you make on your own without Me, the farther apart we become and the less authority I have to work in you life. I will not force anything on you, not even My blessings. A delay does not mean I have answered no, but this delay has been longer than was necessary had you left your life in My hands. I have prepared many miracles to show forth in your life. Right now, at this very moment I am preparing a special miracle as a beginning to the new life you are going to be leading. This will give you a new spark of faith, then as you give thanks to Me you will be one step closer to the next miracle I have prepared for you. In this way you will learn to walk with me, to trust in Me and to receive from Me.

"Do not fear each miracle will not arrive because of your lack of faith for I have given you a measure of faith, enough to enable you to complete this first step. I will supply all you will need for tomorrow when tomorrow arrives. Live each day, one day at a time. I will supply all your needs but if you spend all your time supplying them yourself, you tie My hands. I delight in giving good gifts to My children. You must do your best of course but not to the extent that you have no time for Me. Put Me first once again. Do all you can do and be assured that I will take care of the rest.

I am your Father....You are my child.....

. I will take care of you..

If you will allow Me to!"

The very next day I received my first letter from the pen-pal club I had joined months before. It was also, about this time that I received a call at work from the hospital emergency room. My youngest son had been struck by a car, was in the hospital and was unconscious. When he began to recover, he began having seizures. He needed my attention and care but I was unable to give it to him and still hold down my job. Even though I worked, I had to depend on welfare to supplement my income because there were so very many of us and I only made minimum wage. Their regulations would not allow me to take time off to care for my son. Montana regulations did make allowances for these situations so we returned to Butte. This time, not to run away from my problems as in the past, but instead to move forward. I could spend time with my children which was my life's dream all along ... to be a mother. I never intended to leave my children to care for themselves while I worked. I wanted to be there with them to care for them and enjoy them but I had been denied this by the path my life had taken.

I would now move forward toward the freedom of fellowship, the freedom of joining others in worship and freedom to be away from the pressures I had felt surrounded by in Utah. For a while anyway, I would be free to attend church regularly and to put the Lord first in my life once again. God supplied our needs in very miraculous ways and I knew that He was once again in control. I still had many problems to deal with. Almost more than I could handle for I now had six teen-agers at once, but I kept trying as best as I could. I realized that is all any of us can do, our best. It may not be the same as someone else's best but God knows our hearts and our capabilities. Only He has the right to judge.

For almost a year I continued to write a man in Illinois and I found a new hunger and thirst for God. I was enjoying the fellowship his letters brought but I avoided thoughts of marriage in my future for now I realized being married was not the only way to find happiness and identity. Marriage was no longer my major goal in life even though it still was a desire of my heart. Being closer to God was of first importance. Everyday I spent as much time as possible reading the Bible and learning more of the Lord.

I learned justification meant "just as if it never happened." I learned repentance meant "to ask God's forgiveness and then turn away from my sins." If I confessed my sins then I must also accept the forgiveness God has promised, going forward without looking back in regret. Philippians 3:13 taught me, "For this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus."

I learned that God would forgive me as I forgave others but if I would not forgive others, He could not forgive me. Matthew 6:15 verifies this "If ye forgive not men their trespasses neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." The Lord taught me that all sin is equal in the eyes of God. No sin is worse than another because all sin separates us from God. James 2:10 taught me "For whosoever shall keep the whole law and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

I began putting these truths into action as I let go of all of the hurts and resentments toward my natural parents, my ex-husband, and also unforgiveness for myself. We must be able to forgive ourselves. If God forgives us and we refuse to, we are saying that we know better than God.

As I continued my correspondence with a man in Illinois, we shared our views on Christianity, telling each other how God had worked in our lives. I had found a new peace and contentment and after several months I began to feel a closeness to this man whom I had never met. In time I realized that with nearly 2,000 miles between us it was illogical to ever expect to be more than pen-pals and friends. So to avoid being disappointed later on, I decided to stop writing to Him. I took this decision to the Lord in prayer and asked Him to supply Dave's needs and to give him the desires of his heart. I had learned to be alone by now but I didn't want to see him face the same struggle. When I had finished praying though, I somehow had a knowing in my heart that the Lord had chosen me to be Dave's wife.

Since this seemed so impossible, I asked God for confirmation that if it really was from Him, I would receive something in the mail in seven days from Dave that would assure me the God had also told him. You see, I didn't want to repeat the same mistake I had made in the very beginning. I knew now that the Lord would not tell others His will for my life before He would tell me but I had to be certain that it was not simply my own wishful thinking. Had I taken time to think, I would have realized that seven days would have been a Sunday and there could not be any mail delivery that day. Although I had been receiving a letter at least twice a week from him, now I received none at all. I checked the mail on Saturday and still had received nothing but on Sunday morning after church I again checked our locked mailbox and found a card from Dave. It read, "I have a message from the Lord." Inside it read, "You are someone special. You are what God has given." This was definitely my confirmation and was completely different from his previous correspondence.

I still told myself it was years ahead because I had four children left at home, yet two months later, on his vacation, he flew to Montana to meet me. Forty-five minutes after his plane landed, he proposed to me and I accepted. My friends couldn't understand how I could agree to marry a man I didn't know. It was true I didn't know him but I knew and trusted someone who did, Jesus. Besides, I had learned where he stood with the Lord and that was the most important factor as far as I was concerned. We would not be unequally yoked as the Bible had warned about.

Everyone said it couldn't be done. It would take six days to get a valid marriage license. He was to return home in five days to return to work. We knew though that our God was a God of miracles and since this was His will He would make a way. We set out to begin our six days worth of blood tests and paperwork and were told the blood test would take three days before it would be back from the lab but it was back in just four hours much to the surprise of the receptionist. At the courthouse, we filled out the necessary forms for our license, the three day waiting period was waived by the judge and we received our valid marriage license in just six hours instead of six days.

Just before the ceremony the Lord gave us a scripture to base our marriage on from Ephesians 4:2-3 (Living Bible) "Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowances for each others faults because of your love. Try always to be led along together by the Holy Spirit and so be at peace with one another." God really does answer prayers when we trust Him and put Him first in our lives.

I needed to meet the real Jesus of the Bible not the Mormon Jesus who was just a man. God made this possible when He sent His son to die for me on Calvary. I had come to realize that even if I was the only person on earth who needed salvation He still would have gone to the cross for me because of His love.

Had it not been for the prayers of Christians, had they not cared enough to share the true gospel of the Bible even at the risk of offending me, I would not be alive today. This is why I must share my testimony with others ... not to offend them, nor upset them but to aid them in knowing the facts before they make a decision that will be with them for eternity. Eternity is much too long to regret having taken someone else's word for something (neither mine, nor those in the Mormon church) without checking it out completely with pure biblical facts. We cannot trust our own feelings for feelings can deceive. This is why we are told to "study to show thyself approved" and to put our trust in the completed work of Jesus Christ. "A burning in the bosom" as taught in Mormonism is not a reliable test for truth; it is simply a feeling.

Fear, guilt, and pride had kept me from admitting how much I needed God. I was reaching out to Him in sincerity but my ways were sincerely wrong. I didn't need to find Him through the Mormon priesthood for, as I have shown here, the God of Mormonism is not the God of the Bible. He has different characteristics and attributes, and if I had the wrong god, what good was his priesthood?

I had learned many beautiful truths over the years as God worked in my life. He patiently brought me out of error and into truth. I agree that there was a great apostasy in the early church but I do not agree that it was a complete apostasy where the gospel was taken away from the earth completely and therefore needed to be restored. God's Word promised us it would not be. No person or angel can undo all of the Bible with a new revelation. God's word is eternal. God changes not. No revelation is of God if it does not agree with the Word He has already given us. God tells us "Heaven and earth will pass away but My Word shall not pass away." (Matthew 24:35). His Word is the Bible!

We are saved not only from physical death but also from eternal spiritual death because of Christ's sacrifice on the cross. This gift was not given on the merit of our own works.

Romans 4:6-8..."David says the same thing when he speaks of the blessedness of the man to whom God credits righteousness apart from works: Saying, "Blessed are they whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him." When we are Born Again our sins will no longer be charged against us because they have been paid for by Jesus Christ. Jesus was the propitiation for our sins in Romans 3:25, "whom God has set forth to be a propitiation through faith in His Blood, to declare His righteousness for the remission of sins that are past, through the forbearance of God." What exactly does this mean? Jesus bore on the cross God's righteous judgment of our sin, so that by His death God is propitiated (satisfy God’s judgment requirements through a sacrifice) "being justified as a gift by His grace through the redemption which is in Christ Jesus; whom God displayed publicly as a propitiation in His blood through faith." (Romans 3:24-25) Why was this needed? Romans. 3:23 tells us "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God". Christ died in our place when He was crucified.

The Bible teaches "the wages of sin is death" not merely suffering. Therefore, the blood Christ shed for our sins was shed on Calvary not in the Garden of Gethsemene as I had been taught through the Mormon church, for Christ did not die in Gethsemene. If we do not accept the price Christ paid for our sins and have faith in Him, we will not be saved and we ourselves will then have to pay the penalty of our sin, which is eternal death. Paul in 1 Corinthians declares "for you have been bought with a price." Who is it that paid that price? Jesus! "In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins." (1 John 4:10) Christ took our place. He paid the penalty for our sin.

I knew that I was not perfect and neither has anyone else led a totally sinless life except for Jesus. He was perfect. I had tried to reach God by focusing my life on the results of my works rather than on Jesus and His works. I now had learned that obedience is the result of the Christian life, not the means of producing it. I didn't need to earn God's love. He had already given it to me. John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave His Only Begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life." Romans 5:8, "But God commendeth His love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." It wasn’t the nails that held Jesus to that cross on Calvary. He could have come off that cross at any time He chose to. It was instead His love for each of us that held Him there.

Pride had led me to believe that if I was good enough I would make it to heaven. I finally realized that this was not true because if there was even one way that I could reach heaven without giving my life to the one who purchased it with His blood, then Jesus Christ had died unnecessarily. I was free to do my best as a way of showing my love for God not as a means of earning His love. He was my Father, not because He had sex with heavenly mother, but because He chose to give me the power to become His child, "But as many as received Him, to them gave He power to become the sons of God even to them that believe on His name." (John 1:12) He had accepted me into His family by adoption. Adoption is to accept one into a family giving him the same rights and privileges as an own child. "God sent forth His son, made of a woman, made under the law to redeem them that were under the law that we might receive the adoption of sons (Galatians 4:5)

I had been taught that the words of the Bible were not meant directly to me. They were simply history, a broad set of guidelines to follow in an attempt to pattern my life after as I endeavored to become perfect. As I read the Word of God I could see that God truly was the same yesterday, today, and forever and that He was no respecter of persons. (Acts 10:34). If He said it then, He still means it now. If He said it to those in Biblical times, He means it also for me. I no longer had to "hope His promises held true for today." I could trust Him and know that they were given for me as well. He could be depended upon to fulfill His Word.

I had mistakenly learned to judge Christianity by those who claimed to be Christians instead of by what the Christian doctrine taught. People are not perfect, they make mistakes. Real Christianity is not just a religion. It is much more than that. It is a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

As I have proven here I am not judging the Mormon church by the people who attend and profess to be Mormons. I base my concept of the Mormon religion on the doctrine of the church and of the writings of its leaders who clearly command Mormon people to accept their writings as scripture. I care deeply for them as I know that they have been misled . It is the Doctrine that has been taught by the Church that I speak against.

Anyone can say they believe there was a man named Jesus. Even Satan will agree to that. But a Christian is someone who is committed to God, who has trusted the Lord and given Him control of his or her life. We come to know Him personally by the study of His Word. The works we then produce are a result of that relationship.

Mormon authority rests on the priesthood of the Mormon Church as taught by Joseph Smith. As I have shown here, the God of Mormonism is not the God of the Bible. He is an exalted man with very different characteristics and attributes. Christians receive authority directly from Jesus Christ by the Holy Spirit. Mormons say that the priesthood of Melchizedek can be held by mortal men. This is a definite misunderstanding of the nature of the office. Throughout the Old Testament we find that the Levitical Priesthood was ordained of God as a foretaste of what was yet to come. We were to look forward to a permanent priesthood and permanent sacrifice in the person of the Lord Himself! What made Jesus better? Why was His ministry so different?

As we read Hebrews we find the answers to these questions. The scriptures say in Hebrews 7:17, "For he testifieth, Thou (Jesus) art a Priest forever after the order of Melchisedec." This priesthood cannot be passed on to another. It was based on the power of the indestructible life of Jesus Christ who remains ever interceding for us. He is our High Priest. We do not need another. He alone is able to save us to the "uttermost". This priesthood is "untransferable." Hebrews 6:19 -20 "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest for ever, in the order of Melchizedek."

Mormons say we cannot hear from God except through a prophet but the Bible tells us in Hebrews 1:1-2 "in the past God spoke to our forefathers through the prophets at many times and in various ways, but in these last days He has spoken to us by His Son." God speaks now through His son Jesus Christ and through His Holy Spirit.

I am allowed, as a child of God to think and reason for myself as I study the scriptures because I rely on the Holy Spirit to teach me all things, to lead me and to guide me. The Bible calls The Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Truth in John 15:26, "But when the Comforter is come, whom I will send unto you from the Father, [even] the Spirit of truth, which proceedeth from the Father, he shall testify of me. I can be assured of the truth of what I learn as I line up every thought and teaching with the Bible.

The Bible gives us a test for a prophet in Deuteronomy 28. If even one of his prophecies fail, he is not a prophet of God. Out of 64 prophecies given by Joseph Smith, 56 of them failed. Mormons may say it doesn't matter if all of Joseph Smith's prophecies were fulfilled, but God said it does matter. Who should we believe, God or man?

I found that I didn't need to cry out pay-la-ale in a Mormon temple ceremony where Lucifer answers. I can speak to God daily in prayer and know without a doubt that I will be with Him in Heaven for eternity. The Bible tells us we can be 100% sure of where we will spend eternity. 1 John 5:13 tells us "These things that I have written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God; that ye may KNOW that ye have eternal life" As a Mormon, I would never be sure if I had done all that I could do to insure salvation because my salvation and exaltation as a Mormon depended my own works as well as the works of my husband, rather than the completed work of Jesus Christ. I have given the Lord control of my life and I know the assurance that only He can give. He has come to live in my heart. "To them, God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the Hope of glory." Colossians 1:27. In I Corinthians 6:19 we can read, "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you?"

I found, through reading God's word that He did not take my children from me as a form of punishment as I had often been told. I lost my babies because when Adam and Eve sinned, they brought death and disease into the world. This world became a sinful place. Death and sickness were a result of that sin. God never promised to keep us from all sorrow but instead He promised to be with us through whatever we had to face in this life. 2 Corinthians 12:9 tells us " And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness." In Psalm 23:5 we find, "Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:" He doesn’t take us out of the way, but instead is there with us in the presence of our enemies.

I don't need to take blood oaths in the Mormon temple for now I can rejoice in the shed blood of my Savior, Jesus Christ and what His death accomplished for each of us.

I don't need to memorize a set of rules to go through the veil that separated me from God because when Jesus Christ died on Calvary that veil was rent (torn) in two. Hebrews 10.19, "Having therefore brethren, boldness to enter the holiest by the blood of Jesus." ( The word used in the Bible for holiest is HAGION meaning the holy place.)

I am allowed to enter through prayer because of Jesus Christ. Mormons say they must evangelize the dead so perform baptisms and endowments for the dead by proxy; but God's word teaches, "And it is appointed unto man, once to die and after that the judgment." Hebrews 9:27. There is no second chance after death to accept the Gospel of Christ. The Bible teaches there are two states of eternal existence, heaven and hell. Joseph Smith taught, "And ye have got to learn to become god's yourselves the same as all other gods have done before you. From exaltation to exaltation until; you attain to the resurrection of the dead and ye are able to dwell in everlasting burnings." However, the Bible teaches in Revelation 20:15 "And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire." Therefore, according to the Bible, it is the UNsaved who dwell in fire (everlasting burnings), not the saved. And it is the throne of Satan that is surrounded in flames, not God's.

In Mormonism we are taught to pray for the privilege of coming forth at judgment in worthiness so as to be able to receive Joseph Smith's blessing and approval. God's word tells us in Revelation 20 that judgment to determine salvation is reserved for those whose names are not written in the book of life and are lost for eternity. John 5:24 teaches, "He that hears My Word and believes Him that sent me, has eternal life and shall never come into judgment but has passed out of death into life."

When we look to an organization, we find it is imperfect because it is made up of people and people are not perfect. Therefore it is our responsibility to test everything we read and everything we hear by the written word of God, The Bible tells us that God protects His word and has for all time. "Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or tittle shall in no wise pass from the law till all be fulfilled." Matthew 5:18. All will not be fulfilled until Christ returns at the beginning of the Millennium. He told us "Man shall not live by bread alone but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God." Matthew 4:4. Therefore, it is His responsibility to make those words available to us at all times. If He did not, He could not judge us by them.

God is not keeping Himself from us. All we need to do is ask. I asked God to reveal Himself to me and my life has never been the same. He reveals His truths to us through His word as He offers us a lighted pathway to follow. Psalms 119, "Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet." He gives us a lighted pathway to follow, one step at a time not a flood light as many expect. The only requirement to begin on this lighted pathway is to ask, for Jesus truly is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Just to agree intellectually is not enough. We must receive Him by faith, as an act of our will, with a prayer from our own heart, in our own words, out of our own desire and sincerity. We must admit that we are a sinner, acknowledge that Jesus died for us and rose from the dead to set us free. We must give Hi